Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
