You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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