I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
