I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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