Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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