Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
