I think my fart just growled at me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
