If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
