peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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