The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
