After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
