ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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