dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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