I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We left the knife in your bed.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
