Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize