A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
