I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
