He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
