I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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