Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
