How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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