are you still at the devil's house?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
