I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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