She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
