you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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