hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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