Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
