she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
