I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
