I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
