why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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