I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
