Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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