i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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