P.S. I can't hear my feet
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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