I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize