I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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