I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
