I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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