Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I pour the whiskey from now on
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
