Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
