She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
