I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Please, let me fuck your mom
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
