i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize