I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
