Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
