My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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