I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
