i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
