Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
