I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
