I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
