Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
