i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
