Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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