Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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