Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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