He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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