he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
