You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
