Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am mentally ready for anal.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
