my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
