worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
