So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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